i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
