I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
