grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
