I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
