in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
