I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
