Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
