Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
you never un-have a 4some
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize