if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
