I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Randomize
