Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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