How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
