i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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