she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
