woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
