There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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