i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
