Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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