I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
