found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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