Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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