it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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