There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
