I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize