So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
our cab driver is having phone sex.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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