the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize