So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Blood and glitter go together right?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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