I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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