Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
