forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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