I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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