Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
