i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
