Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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