final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
