I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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