come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
