I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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