i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize