i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
