Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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