i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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