wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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