Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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