if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
