i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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