i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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