i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
