im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
