My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
