I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize