Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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