party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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