I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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