You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
