the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
