I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
