paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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