we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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