Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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