I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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