Soap is not a condiment
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
