so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
